Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Thoughts on a Tuesday

I have been totally off track!  I will do so good and then completely blow it because someone (usually my husband) wants to go out to eat, or just "pick something up" for dinner.  When I was doing well with my weight I would literally -- I am so not kidding here -- pack my dinner and take it with me.  It was usually a peanut butter and sugar free jelly sandwich on whole wheat double fiber bread.  Yes, I would sit and it my sandwich while the family munched on ooey, gooey, cheesy pizza, rich and smokey bbq, crunchy tacos and flavorful fajitas.  I sat and ate my puny pb&j.  I didn't resent them, I knew it was what I had to do to get on track - to control my eating and my weight.  It paid off.  Yet, here we are now.  I still need to lose about 10 pounds to be at my pre-pregnancy weight, which is 20 pounds more than my weight where I really felt good about myself and could fit in my "regular" no Maternity clothes.  :)  So, I guess that means I have about 30 pounds that I want to lose.  I am going to break it down into small manageable goals and try my best to meet them. 

My first goal is 10 pounds and that means I will get to *gasp* I'm about to admit it 169.  Ugh -- I can't believe I have let myself get here again!!  My goal date for ten pounds is...NOVEMBER 29, 2010.  Yes, that means that I plan to meet my goal the Tuesday AFTER Thanksgiving!  I hope to actually lose more than that, but we shall see. 

That all being said -- WHO'S WITH ME?  Who wants to take this challenge and change?  Let me know, let's do this together!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

We will NEVER forget

God Bless America and the people who defend her.  May we NEVER forget the tragedy that was brought down upon this country by evil, hateful people who call US the evil nation.  May we keep the true values of America and not judge or discriminate, but show the true compassion and acceptance that makes this the greatest country in the world.  May we continue to rise and become as strong as we ever were!

GOD Bless the U.S.A.!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Rain, Rain Go Away!

It has been virtually FLOODING around here lately!  My poor baby has to be strapped in a carrier with a rain cover while I dash out the door to get him in the car.  Regardless of the cover, he is soaked, the carrier is soaked, the van is soaked, and everyone is crying!  AHHHHHH!  I feel like I'm in the scene from Forrest Gump "One day it started raining, and it didn't quit for four months. We been through every kind of rain there is. Little bitty stingin' rain... and big ol' fat rain. Rain that flew in sideways. And sometimes rain even seemed to come straight up from underneath."  I swear -- it is driving me CRAZY!  Now don't get me wrong, we NEED the rain, but if it could just come a more convenient times I'd be oh so grateful!  :)  My poor kids are stuck inside at home and at school, and kids that don't get to run off their energy are hellions not enjoyable to be around!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Insurance -- UGH!!!

So, with a new baby and a kid with a broken collar bone, comes numerous doctor's bills.  That would be fine if the insurance we pay for EVERY MONTH was worth it.  It seems, however, that we pay co-pays for doctors visits - that don't go toward our deductible, meet a deductible that doesn't go toward our out-of-pocket max, and meet an out-of-pocket max that only applies for one person.  Everyone else has a deductible of their own - which also doesn't go toward the OPM.  So, instead of what you think, for an individual would be a $3,000 OPM actually turns into $4,000 ($1,000 deductible + $3,000 OPM).  What would for a family of 5 be an OPM of $6,000, actually turns to to be $1,000 deductible per person, no matter what.  That equals $5,000. The family OPM is $6,000, so---theoretically --- if everyone in the family had a medical issue, as a family we could end up paying $11,000 plus all the Dr. co-pays!  I'm sure you are reading this and saying -- yeah -- so?  That may be, but it really ticks me off, because it all seems so "tricky".  Anyways, in order to take out my frustration, but not end up in jail, or have my insurance company refuse to pay ANYTHING, I decided to write a poem.  It is not a good poem, but it made me feel quite witty to write it!  I hope you enjoy!


I do not like you insurance scam
I'd rather eat
A whole can of SPAM

I do not like you there or home
I'd like to hit you
With a Garden Gnome

I do not like your wallet choke
You take my money
Even though I'm broke

I keep getting bills you refuse to pay
I'm up to my gills
They won't go away

Why do I have you?
It seems such a ruse
With all of these Co-pays
I could have taken a cruise

I'll never my Out-of-Pocket meet
My deductible doesn't go toward it
I'm gonna end up on the street

So I guess I'll end this and say goodbye
To my money, my dignity
And my piece of the pie

Oh -- and my eating SUCKED today -- had another giant candy bar in addition to a 6oz sirloin.  I enjoyed every bite!  (Until I stepped on the scale)

Saturday, September 4, 2010

long weekend - and starting again!

Woo Hoo!  Long weekend - plus that's a day that doesn't count towards my maternity leave - 'cause everybody gets it!  yeah!

I hope we do absolutely NOTHING this weekend so that I have 3 days of not going ANYWHERE to get the baby on some resemblance of a schedule.  Wish me luck!

Oh -- and my eating was going very well -- until I bought several GIANT chocolate bars on Thursday.  I've already consumed 2 -- but one was a Special Dark.  Does that count as health food?  Tomorrow (Sunday) I shall start again, I figure today might be a bad day -- since it's Saturday and all!  :)  Anyone who wants to join me and help keep the motivation is welcome.  Just let me know!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

School Lunch Ideas

My kids may not get bored with a PB&J everyday, but I do.  That tends to make me want to change up, not only my lunches, but theirs also.  Last week I did pretty good at mixing it up and I already have tomorrow's lunches packed -- and what I'm packing will also serve as a lunch for another day this week.  Here's what I've done so far:

Monday: 
  • Turkey, cheese, lettuce and mustard on Double Fiber Wheat bread.
  • clementine orange
  • Capri Sun Roaring Waters drink
  • carrots with ff ranch dressing
  • for snack: Fiber One granola bar
Tuesday:
  • Homemade "Lunchable" - Kashi crackers, sliced ham, sliced 2% cheese
  • Capri Sun Roarin Waters drink
  • apple slices in lime juice
  • for snack: Fiber One granola bar
Wednesday:
  • Mini Pitas stuffed with Homemade Chicken Salad
  • sliced strawberries
  • Horizon Milk box
  • Cheese Stick
  • Sun chips
  • for Snack: Clementine Orange
Thursday:
  • PB&J on Double Fiber Wheat bread
  • Horizon Milk box
  • Cheese stick
  • grapes
  • for Snack: 100 calorie pack of cheese popcorn
Friday:
  • Homemade "Lunchables"
  • strawberries
  • Yogurt
  • Capri Sun Roarin Waters
  • cheese stick
  • for Snack: Homemade Trail Mix -- Honey Nut Chex, Walnuts, Craisins and Chocolate Chips
Monday:
  • Pasta Salad: Whole Wheat Penne, English Peas and Carrots, Olive Oil and Parmesean Cheese
  • GoGurt Natural
  • Horizon Milk Box
  • Homemade Whole Wheat breadstick
  • Strawberries
  • for snack: Trail Mix granola bar
Planned for the rest of the week:

Tuesday:
  • Turkey and cheese wrapped in a whole wheat tortilla and cut into spirals
  • applesauce
  • carrots and ff ranch
  • Capri Sun Roaring Waters
  • for Snack: apple slices in lime juice
Wednesday:
  • Pasta Salad: Whole Wheat Penne, English Peas and Carrots, Olive Oil and Parmesean Cheese
  • GoGurt Natural
  • Capri Sun Roaring Waters
  • Strawberry soup
  • for snack: Trail Mix granola bar

Thursday:
  • PB&J on Double Fiber Wheat bread
  • Horizon Milk box
  • Cheese stick
  • grapes
  • for Snack: 100 calorie pack of cheese popcorn
I
may not be able to be as inventive once I go back to work at the end of September, but hopefully I can at least try to make lunch interesting until I return.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

why do they send home a different child?

Every morning I wake up my two oldest children and help get them ready for school.  My daughter is always grumpy - mainly because I have laid her clothes out for her - and obviously what I have picked isn't "stylish" enough for her.  (whatever, you're in 3rd grade for goodness sake!)  Then there is my 5 year old boy.  He gives me a big hug and kiss, tell me how much he loves me and wants me to walk him to the car and help him get in his seat before his dad takes them to school.  He is shy and won't talk much about what he will be doing at school that day, or what happened the previous day.

Then 3:00 comes and I pick them up from school.  My grumpy child has calmed down - until she gets in the car that is.  However, by shy, sweet baby has turned into a demon child!  I swear he is whining, yelling, pinching his sister, telling me I am not his friend because I won't take him to the store....  WOW!!!  I realize a lot of this is because he is exhausted from being in school all day, no nap, no real down time,  (can you imagine how that affects a child's brain?) but why can't I have the sweet child in the evenings when I can spend some time with him? 

I sincerely hope he becomes accustomed to this new routine soon.  I really don't know how much more I can take -- it has been a looooong ride home for the last 3 days.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Kindergarten

UGH!  I sent my BABY to Kindergarten today!  OK, so technically, I have a 5 week old and I'm calling my 5 year old my baby, but for 5 YEARS he was!  I didn't cry, but it was hard.  He did very well, no tears (at least while I was there), but he did look like he was on the verge of tearing up.  My oldest of course forgot that we were even there and went off to her classroom without a problem -- too grown up!  I pray that their day goes well, they meet many new friends and love their teachers.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Baby Blues

I never really had them that bad with my other two children, but this one is knocking me on my butt!  I am crying while I type this and I really don't know why.  I feel out of breath and anxious.  Taking care of the baby isn't the problem, he's been pretty easy (other than the night sleeping).  I almost think I'm lonely -- that seems strange though.  I had planned on taking a few extra weeks off of work, but I don't know that mentally I can handle it.  I hope this goes away soon.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

why?

Why, oh why do I feel like this baby's head is sitting IN MY LADY TOWN AREA just chilaxin'?  I mean should it really have to be excruciating to WALK, or GET UP FROM A CHAIR?  Come on!  Why can't my water just break so that when I go to the hospital they will BELIEVE that I am in labor?  They obviously don't BELIEVE that I've now been in labor for 8 days.  Surely some people labor for 8 days -- I couldn't be a rarity, right?  :)

I'm now at the point of exasperated!  3 more days -- 3 more days -- 3 more days!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

is there anything better than PB&J

No... I would say there isn't.  Personally, I have to have EXTRA crunchy peanut butter and strawberry jelly for it to be the best possible.  Lately, however, I have started enjoying Power PB, Double Fiber Wheat Bread, and Sugar Free Strawberry jelly.  Although it's not Jif extra crunchy, it's a pretty good natural PB.  It has a slight crunch from flax seed, so it's not just a smooth PB.  Anyway, once I add my glass of milk - it's all good.  :0)

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Contractions

So, I've been having pretty good contractions for the past two days.  Problem is -- they aren't really time able.  A lot of the "good" ones are in the evening.  They are about 45-60 seconds long and about 5 minutes apart -- for 30 minutes or so, then they stop for a while before starting back up.  I have plenty during the day, but they don't seem to me like what the doctor would consider "consistent".  My problem is that I have no idea if I am having more contractions that I think, if I'm only timing bad ones, etc.  You see with my youngest I had time able contractions on Saturday all night, then they stopped (or so I thought).  I didn't really feel anything after that.  I went to a normal routine doctors appointment on Monday only to be told -- "You are in active labor and need to go to the hospital."  Hmmmmmm, maybe my pain tolerance is greater than I thought.  I mean don't get me wrong -- some of these contractions have brought me to tears (they hurt so bad in my back!), but I get past them.  I'm afraid I may be waiting to feel contractions like I did with my oldest -- you know those PITOCIN induced contractions.  Now THOSE are painful!  I broke a bed rail dealing with those.  Still, my water had broken, so I knew to go to the hospital.  I really do not want to think I'm in labor, go to the hospital and be sent home because I was wrong.  That would stink!  It would also be expensive!  Ugh -- I really don't know what to do at this point.  I see my doctor again on Monday -- I'll probably be fine until then and just see what he says. 

We'll see.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

MMMMMM - I just LOVE watermelon!

OK - so while I do have issues with Wal-Mart I can honestly say that I am in L-O-V-E with Sam's.  There is something about buying like 12 pounds worth   (OK, maybe it's not that much) of salad mix for the price of a teeny tiny bag at a regular grocery store.  Then there is the fruit.  oh my freaking goodness the fruit!  There are strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, blackberries, grapes, peaches, plums, nectarines, pineapples, apples, pluots - the list goes on.  The size of the containers are HUGE as compared to your normal supermarket so I really feel OK splurging on large amounts of fruit.  (because let's face it -- I try my darnedest to fit every fruit imaginable into my cart while I'm there!)  The only problem I have is getting everything to fit in my refrigerator once I get home.  I wash everything and then "re-container" (is that a word?) it into fridge friendly containers.  It makes for a good 2+ weeks (if we don't go crazy eating everything the first few days) of healthy breakfast sides (I love to mix Chobani Yogurt, fruit and Fiber One or Low fat Granola into a bowl for breakfast), lunch salad add-in, fruit salad, etc. 

Oh -- and then there is the watermelon!!!  I have recently found that I can cut a watermelon, spoon everything into containers -- with the intent of placing in the fridge -- only to find myself devouring almost the entire thing in one sitting!  Oh my!   Watermelon is very filling while you eat it so I am LITERALLY stuffing myself beyond the realms of healthy!  It is just so good!!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Darn you heartburn!

Up at three again this morning.  It really stinks to be pulled from sleeping bliss to a state where you feel like last nights dinner is rising up your esophagus and is headed toward your mouth!  Sounds gross, is gross, feels gross...  Of course, now that you are awake you have to pee so you make your way to the bathroom - lights out.  In my case you climb over the gate that keeps the dogs penned in your bathroom for the night, this is quite difficult considering the baby that is sitting on your bladder and the laxness of your joints.  You get to the toilet only to find out you just "felt" like you needed to pee, you force yourself to at least "tinkle" and then proceed back through the obstacle course toward the bed.  Oh -- heartburn still there.  It hurts to lay down.  Prop up pillows and try to get comfortable while you increase your calcium intake through the generic Tums on your nightstand.  1 hour later -- nope -- still have heartburn.   Maybe water will help.  Up from the bed go to the kitchen -- all once again in the dark.  (what is that green light in the kitchen coming from?)  Grab a bottle of water - chug it - chase it with generic Tums -- wait.  1 hour later -- nope -- heartburn still there.  (It is now 2:30).  Sit on the edge of the bed -- maybe if I stay upright for a while it will help.  ("Honey, you OK?", "Yep, I'm fine just sitting on the edge of the bed for no reason.")  3:00 -- I give up!  Go to the living room -- once again in the the dark.  Find a blanket and sit on the couch in a recliner.  (What is that green light in the kitchen?)  Still sitting -- decide to watch TV.  Turn it on an lower the volume to almost mute (why should everyone else have to wake up just because I can't sleep?)  Watch some Ti-Voed shows.  (It's now about 5:00)  Hear alarm - hubby's getting up for work.  Heartburn is starting to fade.  Doze off.   Hear noise in the kitchen (6:00) -- hubby is fixing himself breakfast -- doze back off.  7:00 give up try to go back to bed.  7:30 -- "mommy I'm hungry"  ignore for 30 minutes.  8:00 "Mommy I'm REALLY hungry"  Think about ignoring decide that's not the "motherly" thing to do.  Get up fix a nutritious breakfast of cold cereal.  Try to go back to bed.  8:45 - call from the Dr.'s office "Your Group B Strep test came back positive, you will need to be on IV antibiotics once you go into labor."  (Isn't that just dandy?  could this day get any worse?).  Sit on couch in comatose position - staring into space -- it's now 2:00 -- maybe you should feed your children again.  Fix sandwiches (well past lunch time).  Sit back on couch.  That is where I now STILL find myself.  Heartburn is back -- too tired to move -- brain not functioning properly.  Hubs will be home soon and wonder why I have done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in the way of laundry, sweeping, dishes, etc.  Yet -- I cannot seem to find the strength to care. 

Good times.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Old School? I think not!

Finally made it to Michael's to grab a scrapbook for the newest addition.  I get there, I look at EVERY single book they have, but could not seem to find the type of scrapbook I was looking for.  I use the kind with the spiral bind.  The ones where you can scrap directly onto the page.  Michael's is where I have always found them in the past. Canson makes them.  Needless to say, I start getting frustrated because I cannot find this style.  My hormones start kicking in and I am on the verge of tears!  Finally I find a worker and ask her to help me find the scrapbook.  I describe the style I am looking for and she looks at me like I am crazy!  "Honey" she says, "We haven't carried those type of scrapbooks in years, those are the OLD SCHOOL style of scrapbooks."  Are you freaking kidding me?  I'm 32 years old, my way of doing things is "OLD SCHOOL"?  I don't want the type of book that has the stupid page protectors, they are like $30 each and well, I just don't like them.  They look like a photo album, not a scrapbook. Sooooo, I refuse to give Michael's my business and decide that I am sooooooo intelligent that I will find one online.  I go to Amazon, they have them, but the 12x12 size I need.  I went to the Cansonwebsite and found them, but no way to purchase them (crappy website if you ask me).  Then I do a Google search and find TWO yes folks, only TWO listed on Ebay.  So I go to Ebay and find that one is listed with bidding starting at 99 cents (but a 7 day auction).  Woo Hoo I think -- then I see that the seller wants $9.95 for shipping!  She must have lost her doggone mind!  By the time you get in a bidding way you could end up pay $20 + bucks for a book and $10.00 would be the shipping!  Then I went to the other sellers site.  Her shipping was only $6.00 - still steeper than I wanted, but better than $10.00, and the bidding stopped in 5 hours.  The current bid was $5.50 so I proceeded to be a bid spender and bumped that bad boy up to -- oh yeah -- $5.55.  You know what happens next -- I win the son of a gun!  Woo Hoo!!!!  So, I got the book for right around $12.00, cheaper than I would have gotten at Micheal's anyway -- so bite me Micheal's!  It's white, but I can make that work. 

Of course, I then decided that I needed some new Cricuit cartridges so that my scrapbooking experience could be more enjoyable.  I proceeded to spend FAR too much money on three new cartridges on Amazon.  At least they were WAY cheaper than I could have gotten at Wal-Mart (which is getting rid of their craft section -- whole 'nuther story, don't get me started), Hobby Lobby or gasp Michael's.  I've been wanting new ones for a while, so I guess this project gave me a justification (for my husband) to purchase them.

Well, I guess that's enough of a vent for now!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

blah

I'm feeling very tired today.  Probably because I stayed up too late reading last night.  I think I'll take a nap.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

scrapbook

I have not even purchased a scrapbook for the new baby yet.  Wouldn't be a problem, but I ALWAYS take the scrapbook with me to the hospital and have the footprints put on the first page.  I guess I'll have to "borrow" an empty page from one of the other kid's books and get it ready for the baby.  I can add it to the book once I purchase it.  I want to have AT LEAST that page ready -- just in case I don't make it to the store before he makes his grand entrance.

I've only been up since 5:30 this morning - big improvement over other days - it's actually the time I normally get up for work.  I'm thinking I'm going to need to get up at 5:00 once the baby gets here and I start back to work.  that should give me time to get dress and ready before waking the baby to nurse.  Who knows- best laid plans never seem to work.

Guess I'm off to steal a scrapbook page and get to work.

Monday, June 14, 2010

6/14/10

I never updated the previous 2 days meals -- oh well, they weren't TOO bad.  :)

I didn't even turn the computer on Saturday or Sunday -- good thing, no one needs to know how bad those days were for my eating.

Dropped the kids off at VBS this morning and drove to the Wal-Mart.  Have I mentioned before that I hate going to Wal-Mart?  While I was there I treated myself to a peducure -- because it's cheap there.  Chugged a bottle of water and then or course stopped by Sonic on the way to pick up the kids.  We needed corn dogs, duh.

So, here is the list so far for today.  I don't promise to keep up with this list on the main page, maybe I'll add another page just for food listing.  We shall see.

Breakfast:
Raisin Bran
Skim Milk (I didn't measure eaither one)
Snack:
water
grapes
Lunch:
My corn dog and 1/2 of Ethan's
Route 44 Ice Water with lemon (did I redeem myself yet?)

Friday, June 11, 2010

6/11/10 - Food List

Breakfast:
Thomas' Better Start English Muffin
Hormel Ready cook bacon (3 slices)
Kraft Single
8 small plums
coffee
Splenda
Sugar Free creamer
Orange Juice
8 oz water
Snack:
8 small plums
Lunch:
Chobani Yogurt
1/2 cup Fiber One cereal
Snack:
Ritz
Peanut Butter

Thursday, June 10, 2010

6/10/10 - food list

I'm not really back to the calorie tracking yet, but I figure I can at least list what I ate and hold myself somewhat accountable.

Breakfast:
1 container Chobani Peach 0% fat Greet Yogurt
1/2 cup Fiber One
2 large strawberries
8oz water
Snack:
8 small plums
Lunch:
Sauce Picante
Brown Rice
Snack:
Chocolate Malt (Don't judge me!)
Supper:
5 Kashi Garlic TLC crackers with one slice Kraft Singles
2 slices Nature's Own Double Fiber Wheat Bread with a Kraft single on each - toasted
Orange Juice
(couldn't really decide on anything to eat tonight - nothing sounded good)
Dessert:
Oatmeal Cream Pie

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Wondering about post partum weight

Well, as I once again rolled out of bed today,(at least I was able to sleep through the night and sleep a little late), I started to wonder about getting back in shape after baby.  I've let the pounds mount up a little more than I would have liked, probably due in part to being so sick in the beginning and not being able to workout as I had.  I haven't been tracking my calories well - OK at all.  I think my first thing will be to start tracking once again and and a little walking.  I plan on nursing, so my calories will need to be a little higher than I was used to .  My main goal will be to make sure my nutrients are in order so that I take of not only my body, but my new little one's as well.

Anyways -- just random thoughts.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Random Scrap

So it seems I have been encourage in a round about way to start back to my blog.  (Thanks A Bundle of Blessings).  That would seem an easy task with summer finally showing her hot and humid head, therefore leaving me with more time than usual.  Yeah right!  I guess I could utilize the insomnia-heartburn pattern that currently is my life and put it to good use and blog about it- maybe - we'll see.  However, once baby #3 makes his grand entrance I'm sure my time will once again be limited.

Anyways, I guess I will start my "return" with what on ABOB's blog seems to be a Random Honest Scrap - I assume this is a top ten list describing yourself?  I could be wrong about that, it's been known to happen on a rare occasion.

Here is my Random Honest Scrap:

1.) I miss exercising right now - but the THOUGHT of it makes me tired and sore -- how sad is that.

2.) I currently roll (yes literally) out of bed at around 3:00 in the morning to re-situate (is that a word?) myself on the reclining end of the sofa.  I then turn on the TV and watch P90X infomercials to make myself feel as if I have worked out.  I then take a "nap" at around 5:30 only to get up with the early bird kids at 6:30.

3.) I was a Cheerleader my Senior year of high school, but much preferred my basketball games and golf meets.

4.) I am a schedule queen and can make a schedule for pretty much anything - I even make the master schedule for my school; however I find it difficult to follow schedules I set for myself.

5.) People tell me at work that I am meticulous and organized -- they obviously don't know me very well.  :)

6.) I don't mind washing, drying and folding laundry, but I HATE putting it away!  (Hence the basket fulls that seem to sit in my bedroom)  The same concept applies to cooking - love to do it - hate to clean it up.  (I'm noticing a scary pattern here.)

7.) I horde things - not to the TV show extent, but it's pretty bad.  I always think "Ooh I can use that for something later."  It's really bad with things at work -- you never know when you might need it.  This pregnancy has been good for it though.  I have make 2 trips to Goodwill in the last 3 days - HUGE trips - I seem to be throwing out a lot of my clutter.  I mean do I REALLY need those wind suits in the various shades of turquoise and pink from when I first started teaching?  Probably not.  (I guess I thought they would come back in style - everything else has)

8.) I like to sing, and I'm pretty good at it.

9.) I cannot tolerate stupid.  It annoys me to no end!  I mean, I may have my stupid moments, but that doesn't give anyone else the right to have them.  :)

10.) I like being on time or early for most things and had PERFECT ATTENDANCE in school.  Yes, I am a bit of a nerd.

I'm sure there is more I could add, but that seems like a good start for now.